Jokes that shake you

Jokes that will shake you .....

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Top 9 Funniest News paper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. (man….if only I knew A B C….)
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again. (sure…thanx for the warning!)
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. (in months or years?)
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. (check it out)
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. (howwww sweeeet)
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. (wow! A free trip to heaven?)
7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. (uh…huh!)
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. (hey….who taught cows the bad habit??)
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. (nice work!)

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LEMON JUICE : The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people like weightlifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the Rs 10,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

"No," replied the man. "I work as a project manager in a software company!"

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How a man with no Bad habits looks like : Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him... But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, 'I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.'
'I would have bought a cup of tea', replied the beggar.
The man said, 'Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea'.
He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, 'I don't smoke as it is injurious to health.
'The man smiled and took a bottle of whiskey from his pocket and told the beggar, 'Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. Its really good'.
The beggar refused by saying, 'Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver'.
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, 'I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets.
'If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone'. As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, 'Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.' Suddenly the man felt relieved!! And asked the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man... But he still had his doubts and asked the man, 'Why do you want me to go to your house with you'.

The man replies ... 'I always wanted to show my wife how a man with no Bad habits looks like'

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INSTALLING HUSBAND!!!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Reply

DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.Html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.). In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall theBoyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
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Items for sale :

There are various kinds of Social network users, the ones ranging from spectators to posters, frequent visitors to ‘What-is-Social network’ kinda users. And if you’re any one of the above, you would surely know what Social network is all about.
I must admit, that I enjoy reading Social network, especially ‘Items for sale’ section. They are fun filled, fresh and better than those jokes. The following is a collection of the best of Social network, some have never been posted, but who knows what tomorrow holds for you?

10) A 30*40 site for sale. The cost per sq ft would be decided after cleaning the poop off the region. Thanks to the ever invading dawg group, the buyers are thoroughly told to clean the area before building a house. You wouldn’t be surprised to see a dog bone on the kitchen floor, if your kid accidently dug up one. And please discharge the Missile that was dropped during World War. It has been laying there for almost half of a decade, we just know its there, aint sure where.

9) Newly bought Car for sale. The price of the car as per last Month was $8000. Oh! me and my onsite syndrome. I have been converting everything to dollars/pounds, lately. Be assured that the car has never been driven, ah not even once. Take my word for it. I deliberately had it home delivered with the help of Military Trucks. Hence, I have no idea about the mileage too. The buyers are told to render the same kind of respect to my car after purchase. I would personally hire a hit man to assassinate you, if you’d check out carwale.com or any other website. Your life is in your hands now.

3) Some fresh eggs for sale. The chicken which laid the eggs was eaten by my grandma and hence the chicks(read the ones that come outta eggs) are orphans. Please take good care of those eggs. People, who are genuinely interested in eating the eggs may not call me. Remember, these eggs are always fresh, even if it is the nth day of posting.

2)New T-shirt for sale. Please note that the T-shirt had never been worn(by me). Reason for sale : I don’t wear things that don’t belong to me. If I could remember, I found this T-shirt on the terrace of my residence. Probably flew off from the neighbor’s. Though I have seen the neighbor’s doggy Tommy wearing it. Don’t’ panic, Tommy doesn’t know that his shirt is on sale. Please call me If interested, free bugs spray free with this purchase.

1) Brand new Sofa set for sale. If I could remember, I bought it for 20k in the year 2006. Basically, I am an IT professional. I hardly stay at home. I don’t sleep on it, I have a bed for it. My friend’s don’t sit on it, because I don’t invite ‘em over. I don’t have a pet, hence no p*ss or p**p on it. It is brand new though(for the past 5 years). Hence, I would like to sell it for the same cost. Since it has been in my house untouched as good as being in a showroom.

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Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!'

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, 'Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?' 'No, sweetheart,' she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, 'Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master Card balance yet?' 'Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,' she says.
'One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the ICICI auto loan to them this month?' he asks.
'Oh, forgive me, Rajiv,' begged Mona. 'I didn't send that one, either.'

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, 'So, why did you hug me?' Rajiv answers, 'They'll find us!'

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Killing English …… Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "
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Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
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once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."
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"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
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dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
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teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!
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"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"
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My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"
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"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
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"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"
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LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
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"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"
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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
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Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

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Bhakt: Bhagwaan.... Mujhe dard de, Dukh de, Tension de, Mujhe barbaad kar de, Mere peeche bhoot laga de...
Bhagwaan: Abey saale ... ek line mein bol ke Biwi chahiye.......
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XYZ Office ->

A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office(approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & every employee gathered outside office. 10 mins passed..................................5 more mins passed.

Security Officer started Announcement: "Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employees. While moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are laid off & all their belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff email in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office. Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck".
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Appraisal Vs Resignation...

Trainee: A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "whatz the meaning of appraisal?"
Boss : " U know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee : " yes I do "
Boss : "So let me make u understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"
Comparison study: Appraisal and Resignation
In Appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors, and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
In Appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand ( or get even without asking ) more than 50-60% hike.
During Appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, u had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success. We are planning to send you onsite.......
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after u put the resignation.
Trainee : " Yes boss enough, now I understood my future.
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This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.
2. From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
3. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
4. "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."
10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
13. A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
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If you ever get lost in india and want to find out where you are, this
is the best way of doing just that.
scenario 1 two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who s right - you are in kolkata.
scenario 2 two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on - that s mumbai.
scenario 3 two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. the first two get together & beat him up - thats delhi .
scenario 4 two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. a guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall - that s ahmedabad.
scenario 5 two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. he writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program. that s bangalore .
scenario 6 two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. a guy comes along and quietly says "anna, dont fight for all this nonsense". peace comes in - that s chennai.
scenario 7 two guys are fighting. both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. now 50 guys are fighting. you are in hyderabad
scenario 8 two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. someone calls police. the police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. someone throws stones at the police. the police throw stones back at the crowd. some people are arrested. damages to the shops nearby. next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in thiruvananthapuram, the city of kerala ....

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went tosleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" said Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fool. Somebody has stolen our tent."

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Left on a sinking ship were the Captain and three sailors.The Captain spoke first. "Men, this business about a Captain going down with this ship is nonsense.There's a three-man life raft on board and I'm going to be on it.To see who will come with me,I will ask you each one question. The one who can't answer will stay behind. Here's the first question :What unsinkable ship went down when it hit an iceberg ?" The first sailor answered, "The Titanic,Sir."
"On to the next question: How many people perished?" The second sailor said, "One thousand five hundred and seventeen,Sir" "Now for the third question," and the Captain turned to sailor number three."What were their names?"
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A journalist was sued for libel when he described a life peeress in his column as a 'cow'. He lost the case but at the end he asked the judge a question, "So, in future , I must not call a baroness a 'cow', is that right?" "That is correct" "But I suppose I could call a cow a baroness?" "It would be pointless but not libellous" "Thank you, your Honour", said the journalist and he turned to the plaintiff and said "Hello Baroness".
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A businessman and a priest were playing golf. The businessman swung his rod and missed completely . He swore "Bugger it , missed!" . Hearing this , the priest got annoyed . "Don't swear like that , my son " he admonished him. The businessman duly apologised and promised to be more careful. But it happened again the next time he missed. Again the priest admonished him and again he apologised. When it happened for the third time , the priest flew into a rage and told him that if he swore again , God will surely punish him for that. The businessman , really contrite , promised to behave himself. So he took careful aim and swung his rod..and missed.As he started to say "Bugg..", there was a loud clap of thunder and a streak of lightning struck the priest dead. Suddenly a voice boomed from the heavens "Bugger it , missed !".
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Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the
sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.
The man asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man trusts the frog. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my
daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning
he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
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Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
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There were two rival stores across the main street from each other in a small town in the U.S.One day one of the stores put up a sign:'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.

'The Cheapest Store in This Town', countered the other.
'... in This Part of the Country'.
'... in This State'.
'... in the USA'.
'... in the Western Hemisphere'.
'... in the World'.
'... in the Universe'.
After a short pause the first store owner simply replaced his sign: 'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.